I mostly dislike the Christmas period, ironically, my birthday falls 5 days right before Christmas day. Having never really celebrated it, (or rather having failed numerous crappy attempts) I've decided that my birthday should in fact fall on this day, the 20th of April. Every year from here on, my birthday is 20th April, not 20th December. I'm sure that will solve all of my problems! [sarcasm]. Let's run through the last decade of failed birthdays:
- Age 12 - Mother gives me a birthday card to sign from her to me... I sob.
- Age 13 - I walk 2 hours after school through rain and wind to my friend's house to see her, only to have her brother tell me that she's away for the weekend. I get home and my mother tells me that my school crush and his friends came to see me, but had to leave again because I wasn't in. Acute depression kicked in and I spent the rest of the week sobbing. I also spent the rest of the school year avoiding him. Yes, I was 'that' girl that would hide from the people she liked. I was never ever bold enough to engage in conversation where the opposite party liked me, so my friends and I had code names... I'll leave this for another post...
- Age 14 - Did nothing, watched TV.
- Age 15 - I went clubbing for the first time. This is when I discovered that people were really non-sensical. I still remember the night. I wore a pink and grey polka-dotted skater dress that I borrowed from my friend. My black skinny jeans and pink tank top wasn't quite doing the job of 'sexy-grown up'. It was a really disturbing night, my idea of fun at this age was not swatting away men old enough to conceive me. Did me wearing a neon-pink dress and poorly applied make-up not give away that I was in fact underage?
- Age 16 - This would supposedly be the biggest night of my life. My mum had left for Holland on my birthday weekend, and my step-dad and I had devised a plan. I would stay at my friends house the night of my 16th and we'd go out on the actual day. I was never allowed to stay over at friends' house so this was a massive deal. Nothing actually ended up happening and my friends and I roamed the streets of Liverpool along with other kids from nearby schools. It was one of the most pointless nights of my life. I woke up the next morning half off the bed, with my friend's foot in my mouth, and my other friend sleeping on my chest. I called my step-dad to come pick me up, and he was surprised that I'd only stayed for one night rather than the whole weekend. Even to this day, I can never really feel comfortable staying over at people's house.
- Age 17 - Did nothing, we were snowed in without food.
I can't win, so I have now officially decided not to celebrate my birthday again. Nobody... Nobody even bought me a book. Not even a second hand-book.
They don't love me. They don't want me to Grow. They don't want me to have the key to Life. LOLs.
- Age 18 - Had the biggest and most violent fight of my life with my sister, I didn't even know I had it in me. It caused a rift between us.
- Age 19 - Went out clubbing again, Hated it. Took us 4hours to get home. I had stilettos on.
- Age 20 - I suppose my twentieth birthday shouldn't be on here, it is my best birthday to date, and I learned a lot about myself. On this day, my mother and I popped some champagne, filled our glasses and talked...We just talked, and talked and talked, got slightly drunk and talked some more. The night started on the 19th December at about 7:40pm, I had simply asked her why she was the way she was. It's a silly (and borderline rude) question to ask a parent; but for the first time, she opened up to me in a way that I had never experienced. She told me about her life, about her father, about my father. We ended the conversation on my birthday at about 4am in the morning. This event lead to us drawing closer to each other, we now share a deeper understanding of one another. Best.Birthday.Ever... I sobbed. Of course.
- Age 21 - Here we are again... With friends. Honestly, either I need to pick better friends or something needs to change. I decided not to have anymore bad birthdays so I organised a dinner thing. Every.Single.One of the 12 people I invited came 2.5hours late. After food, we roamed the streets of Soho, Leicester Square and ended up in Slug and Lettuce [Pub/Restaurant chain]. Got a 3hour bus home as all the tube stations were closed. Needless to say I sobbed all the way home and nearly burned all my clothes...In my head.
- Age 22 - I worked throughout the holiday period on some freelance stuff, trying not to think about the fact that it was my birthday. By now I'm internally delirious and angry at life. Even though I had decided from months before that I was not going to celebrate it, I still felt upset that even if I wanted to do something, I'd still be miserable.