Natural Hair. I'm over it.

Let's call my hair Ruby.

Dear Ruby

I don't want to say I hate you but I'm pretty darn close. You frustrate me. I am frustrated because in all the 2 years I've been growing you out, you're only 10/11 inches. You've been 10/11 inches for 2 months now. You aren't growing. You just aren't. You're just sitting on my head enjoying the finer things (i.e deep conditioning, scalp massages etc.). Ruby, you are always breaking, for what reason, I don't know. Seeing loads of hair come out on a daily basis has become routine, even when you were relaxed. I haven't used heat on you in over 3 years, so that's not the problem. My diet is okay. I've tried protective styling (braids,twists w/ & w/o extensions), but that only thins you out immensely. What do you want Ruby?
I can't even leave you in some braids for some time because mr. scalp will torture me! I've only treated you with 'natural' products in my entire natural journey.  Coconut Oil (Which makes my scalp itch), shea butter, oils and the whole lot. I'm not a product junkie and I don't mess with you an awful lot. 
When you're out in a twist out or braid out, I have to force you to be voluminous because lets face it, you're just flat. The more you grow out the flatter you become. I can't pull off a puff because you flop, wash and goes are a no-no too, so I've come to a sad realisation that you will never be a huge 'blocking people' type afro. No, instead you'll be calm and polite not big and fierce as I hoped you'd be.
But Ruby my dear, you aren't 'fine, the individual strands of my Ruby are thick, kinda like cotton thread but there isn't actually a lot of you. Basically mr. scalp is very easy to get to. Ruby, I loved you when you were shorter because of the fullness and I only assumed that you would become thicker and fuller...
Despite all this, taking care of you is not at all difficult, you don't require a lot of effort, it only takes an hour to wash detangle and moisturise you, this may be due to your lack of density. So in a way you being flat works out in my favour sometimes. But I just wish you were a lot more tougher, like the way some of my Nigerian friends describe their hair. I tried to follow Cipriana's advice (from Urban Bush Babes) of only washing once a month and then leaving you in a protective style, but after a week my scalp would itchlike crazy! Then I tried to co-wash every other day but you would come out in clumps. Now I wash once a week, no tools but you're still breaking... Breaking my heart that is... I haven't even had a decent twist-out in months and I don't have a go to style. Ruby I have seriously considered going back to the... (R)elaxer. You just need to relax, just chill. stop messing with me.
Sincerely Coconut and Cream.

So there. There you have it. This hair isn't growing, I'm just done. Just tired. I'm over it all. Whatever...
Natural hair. I'm over it.

p.s I don't even wanna start with my weight issues. I wish there were such things as Body MOT