I'd awoken in a cold sweat and heated tears, but with a song on my heart this morning.

A few days ago, I let go of what I felt like was a part of me. I let go of someone I was sure I loved and it was the worst thing I've had to do in such a long time. Telling him that I couldn't be with him anymore because of God's will, broke my heart. I tried to stay strong in telling him the reasons why, but my throat kept closing and opening, preventing any reason to flow out. Much of our conversation was made up of me sobbing on one end of the phone call, occasional silence and much muttering. This lasted for about two hours. Neither of us wanting to put the phone down, because once this happened, that would be it, the end of it all. 
Every inch of my body was against this decision, and my heart kept reminding me that this surely must have been love. For the past three days, I've just been crying, sleeping and doing nothing. Nothing at all, completely unmotivated. I'd listened to my body for so long and had pushed back The Holy Spirit, that the simplest thing to do became the hardest. Am I making any sense? No, just stick with it, I'm just talking to myself here. What I mean is, my worldly flesh was telling me what love was, but God was telling me that he had a different kind of love for me. But I didn't want that. I didn't want to listen because as far as I was concerned, no one had ever gotten me like this guy had done, and I thought no one ever would. I relied on my emotions and placed them above God. 
I remember a blogpost I wrote three years ago on my Top 10 turnoffs in guys , and now I'm sitting here smiling at what I thought was naiveness but was really wisdom. Man, I even did a blog post on kissing! And how I thought I'd never kiss another guy again until my wedding day. Now that my feelings on marriage have been somewhat waved, it feels strange to read those old blog posts. Not because I don't respect the old Sherida and what she had to say, but because I feel like a entirely different person to her. I feel as though we're two different people and her convictions don't apply to me anymore. 

I left church for a while and was tired of its structure and order. I fell in love, (or maybe in lust) with someone other than God. Whatever that means. So, dear blog, I guess I'm here to tell you that I have stumbled and fallen and I was struggling to get back up. Keyword here is 'was'. I was falling, but not anymore. Mercy said no. And I'm finding myself refocusing myself, renewing by the blood of Jesus. I'm surrendering. I'm surrendering all to Jesus. I don't even know if this is a testimony or not, all I know is that I surrender all again to Jesus. I'm writing this because I want to read back on this in a couple of years, remember this struggle and remember all God's doing when I was here.

My prayer this morning has been nothing but repetition, I don't know how to say anything else to God. But I know he understands what I'm trying to say. Every time I open my mouth to say things, to talk to God, only a song comes out. I surrender all, oh my God, I give everything I am to you. I don't want to be distracted anymore. I know that you have plans for me and your love is far greater than anything I can ever imagine. This is the great hope I hold on to. Lord, thank you for correcting me and I know you do this because I am your beloved. I know you discipline me because you have a purpose for my life. Help me to trust you and not negate even when emotions try to tell me otherwise. Lord your love is never ending, never failing. God give me your love in place of this bitterness. Help me to look to you always and not sink in worldly problems. I need your strength, I need you. I feel so alone right now God, and I need to have you near me.

Lord I know that despite my feelings, obeying you is always the best thing and you will strengthen me in time. Lord build my self-esteem, grant me wisdom to guard my heart. Not ever to follow the worlds idea of love, but yours which is never ending and never failing. All my delight is in you Lord. You are my rock and my salvation, my corner stone, my Lord, my shepherd, my father, my healer, my therapist, my artist, my everything, my all in all, Adonai, Jehovah Jireh. My peace of mind and my burden lifter. You are the great I am, the one that has no beginning or end, the one outside of time, you are Lord above all. Reign in my heart and in my mind and create in me a clean heart and renew my spirit. Father I need a fresh awakening. I'm crying out to you lord, please hear my cries and my anguish - restore me oh lord. Make me a new creation, do with me as you please, my Jesus. I surrender, I surrender all to you. I surrender everything to you. Jesus, I won't try and do things my way again. I want to follow you. I can feel this cross on my back getting heavier as I follow you, but your strength is within me lord. I surrender all. I surrender all. Lord I lift my hands up in surrender. I surrender all.