The Biggest Fear

Everyone's frontin'. We must all have that fear, right? Of being lonely. We enjoy being alone, but being lonely is a whole 'nother ballpark. I am twenty-one. Twenty-two in December. I seem to be afraid for what is coming next. The chore to fall in love with someone and care for and love them is a daunting task that I can't become acquainted with.

God, I'm scared as hell. But these are the golden years (by the way, I hate that phrase, but whatever.), right? The years where I ought to find someone, at my peak, and settle down and escape the curse of the independent single successful woman. It seems like a weird sentence to most people. The idea that of a woman being in her mid thirties, single and successful almost translates into something negative... The complete opposite for a man. I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason why most of us are scared of growing up past our twenties is because, for so long, we've been sold this concept that the passion, love and excitement of life is only in a single, tiny span of our lives. That if I am blessed to live until my late 80s, the only significant part of life are my 20s. I just can't deal with this mindset.

Maybe I am naive, maybe I'll understand when I'm older have a different kind of wisdom. And so it begins. The pressure of being in one's "prime". There is no time for hesitation, or thinking. If I say that I would like to stay single, then I don't know how I will cope with feelings of regret and disappointment of not having been married, and nabbing my chances, striking while the iron was still hot. If I become betrothed young [like now], then I am almost certain that I will live to regret it later down the line. I don't see myself as capable of 'that' kind of love, nor do I see myself appreciating that kind of love being given to me. I like the idea of someone being there for me with minimal fail, but the only person that fulfils that criteria here on earth is my mother. I do not want to leave her either. The thought that I must run off and leave my mama to be on her own breaks my heart. I haven't lived with her since I was eighteen but still... I am twenty-one, soon to be twenty-two.

Perhaps I am selfish, and have yet to learn proper sacrifice. Perhaps I am too young to know what anything truly means, and maybe I don't want to know what anything means. There's no such thing as too young once you pass the 21 age though. Each action is in direct correlation with your future. What if I get married within the next 2/3 years or so, and live to regret it? (As my mind is certainly telling me). Truth is, I don't even think that I've ever wanted marriage, and definitely not children. I've been steadily nurturing that want, because I assumed it to be something that I'm supposed to do. Subsequently, the lack of these things (marriage, kids, home) feels like a certain failure, so therefore I am stuck in this cycle of not wanting to be lonely and wanting to be alone. 

But, I love and loathe my twenties (though I'm just starting out), as I loved and loathed my teenage years, as my younger years. I'm sure this is set to continue as I set out into my thirties, forties, fifties and, God willing, so on. Despite all the stuffs in life, I do like life. It's alright.

So to answer my own question, what is my biggest fear; I suppose it's having someone fall out of love with me. I'm sure I wouldn't be the one to fall out of love, because I believe I love deeply, fiercely and for long. I can control me, to a certain extent. But I can't control the other party. Sometimes, I almost feel like hanging an imaginary disclaimer around my neck, only visible to interested guys, saying "Caution, approach at your own damn risk". But then I suppose that's the beauty in loving someone like that, you come with this idea that you are unlovable, and the person just sees beauty in that. That's something else. Mate, I don't bloody know how it works. Don't you wish you could build your own partner? Like in one of those 'build-a-bear' shops.

*Sees time, goes back to bed*.

[please excuse typos and ramblings, it's almost 3am here in London, and this was a spontaneous write-up]